Goodbye 2012. You tried really hard to end me, didn't you? Then again, I
feel that way about most years. Endings so close they can be tasted
don't come along very often. Every breath was held as angels and demons
placed bets on my soul, on my strength, on whether or not I had any
fight left in me... It's been a long fucking year.
I was scared
of you for so long. You bestowed the magic number on me this year. I was
certain my demise came with turning 29. Turning 30 scares me even
more... Kind of. The idea of living passed her... seems wrong, in a way.
Like something in my genetic makeup is determined to end her line.
We'll see, I suppose...
This year I learned that family has
little to do with the one you're born into. Most people are selfish.
Gray hair doesn't look half as bad as I thought it would. It's better to
let go of people that don't love you for who you are than to change...
you'll always come back around to whoever it is you are... and you'll
slowly resent whoever it is that made you change. I'm still really good
at bluffing when I'm scared shitless (that's a good card to have up your
sleeve if you've been in some of the situations I have). There are
people who feel the same way I do about love... that it's a give and
take... and that... is the beginning of something amazing.
I fell
in love. It wasn't graceful either. I still trip over my words and get
tongue-tied. I stutter. Badly. I get butterflies and goosebumps and
lumps in my throat and a pit in my chest... and it's wonderful.
If
I had a choice to either go back and relive my life sans the tragedy or
stay here now... I'd pick here. I'd pick now. I'm almost 30 and I'm
just starting to learn how to be who it is I am... and it's hard and it
sucks... but at least I have support... and love.
Goodbye 2012, my muse, my friend.
