Writey writing write~

So... I know I'm kind of slacking writing here everyday buuuut I've been doing a lot of research and writing poetry. If you'd like to see that it's all available here : http://hfeather53.deviantart.com/ .

Life is still... being figured out. I'll get back to you and let you know when I've got answers ;)

falling is easy when it's up

Wait. Wait. Wait.

For how long? Why?

I don't want to anymore.

Maybe I'm just too much?

I haven't the time that you need... or don't rather.

One day... I'll get out. You'll see.

Perfect for me.

Skin. That's all I am. To you. To her. To them. There's no reason for me here. No life beyond my skin and the thoughts contained therein. No one cares enough to give them breath. Not even me.

I'm tired of fighting with you. Tired of telling you time and again I feel like I don't matter. You won't listen. I don't matter.

I don't want to matter. Maybe then... you are perfect for me?

I'll just cut a little more. Shove myself deeper to the floor so it's easier to keep me here.

I can't fight for me. I'm too tired from fighting for everyone else.

It's too easy to believe I'm worthless. I'm worth this.

I need release.

Pointless~

I get worried that one day no one will want to hear my story. No one will care about how I feel. I write so much... because I feel so much. Being trapped, here in my head, is dizzying. I feel like an animal. I'm learning to cope and change with my surroundings. But underneath I'm still just an ape. I watch you. I do what you do. It makes you happy. When you're happy it's easier to believe that I am happy too.

Tell me how much you want me and how sorry you are it's at in inconvenient time. Tell me you love me when I ask you to touch me. Worry about the things that I swear to you are fine. Ignore the raging ravine that's forming right in front of us.

I wish I could call you my best friend.

I see how hard you try. I see how everyday is a fight for you as well. I'm sorry I can't be more help. I'm sorry you're stuck with me for now. For now.

These words. All these unspoken words. They seem pointless. And I'm scared. I'm scared they'll drift away and I'll become nothing. Because this is all I have. This is my concrete. This is my home. This is my family.

I will do my best for you. I will try to make you happy. And I'll wait. Because that's what I'm good at.

Mmm...

I don't know what to write. I'm tired. I hurt. My body aches. It slowly rips itself apart without any reason. Life is strange.

Red.

I got lost today. Inside. Deep. Rarely does this part breach the darkness. But today... *smiles*

I always felt like such an awkward girl. I hated my breasts. I hated my broad shoulders. I hated my straight hair with the natural boy part (to me it was a boy part anyway... and I spent most of my childhood fighting my hair to part down the center -.-). I wanted to run with the boys. I wanted to be strong like the boys. I wasn't one of the boys.

That's why they touched me even when I said no. Locked in that closet. In that dark garage. Back in those orchards. In my own bedroom. In that stranger's apartment. In the neighbor's backyard. In his bedroom as he drooled with a knife at my throat.

It's no wonder I didn't want them. I wanted to be invisible for so long. Even still. That's why you don't scream. Say nothing. Close your eyes it was just a dream. Unclench your tiny fists. Unhand the teddy's fur. Remember how you cried after ripping off his bow? So prestine and bright against that clean, white fur. Bright red.

You did what you were told to do. Why don't you feel like a good girl? You listened. You obeyed. You were always such a good girl. What happened?

I got sick of doing what I was told. I lived my entire life for them. Even still, a disappointment. A failure. What kind of a girl am I anyway? Loving these people I shouldn't. Because love has boundaries... right?

*sigh*

My stomach burns. My heart yearns. My head is a mess. My eyes need to rest. I just need to catch my breath and let me be me. I want to be the best me. For you.

Mundane.

My heart yearns for more. I feel so unfulfilled. I need more of you. Give me yourself. Why do you hide behind these walls? My prince, my love, my life, my everything. Try, and try again I will to be your knight. I am your heroine. I am. I need to be.

Fuel my fires. Feed my rage. My will won't succumb to weakness or exhaustion. I tary for you and you alone.

But these demons taunt me. These voices haunt me. Their talons replace my fingertips. I feel them dance along my skin. They free the hurt and pain ensepulchred in my soul. All I see is red.

My heart beats steady for you. I still wait for you. Though I may never tire of this game, love, I miss your voice, your touch. I never dare forfeit your enchantment. These scars a constant while I am but ephemeral.

I am not yet enough. Until I am by your side, I stain myself with reverence for you. I renew my vows of truth to you. I pledge myself as art for you.

I am beautiful.