What the fuck...

What's this excitement in my chest? Why am I so giddy? Over remarks about my writing? People like it? What? They think I'm good? But they're so much better than I am....

I'm good at something I actually enjoy?... Wow...

My pictures suck... Maybe in time?... My poetry sucked when I was younger too... Lol... Stupid wannabe lyricist. I was such an odd job kid.

So I was reading these forums today... and I was amazed to find that regardless of gender... people all over have the same issues as I do. They think they're ugly or undeserving of compliments... Granted one could say they have more of a reason to feel that way... But nonetheless... We feel the same.

It's nice to feel connected to people... or that people understand how I feel... Even if they aren't writing about me or speaking directly to me... Their words and feelings are my words and feelings so I know... They understand.

Oh, and one more thing... To my best friend, you know who you are... You inspire me with all of your courage. I love that I can talk to you about anything. My heart wants only good things for you and to protect you from every bad thing the world has tried to spew at you. My long lost sister. I love you so much. You complete me in a way no one else has before. <3

Prey~

Learning to let go of people is difficult. Learning that everyone has a different definition of love is difficult. I can't trust myself. I can't trust anyone else. But I do....

I melt at their words. I call to their bestial senses. I am the forbidden prey. Even still, they chase. And I give way.

In my prime, I prowl. Mistress of the game. I have yet to be tamed. Locked in my cage, gnawing at the lock, I howl a lonesome cry. Gallantly, heroically they beckon to my shrills.

When all I want is to be free.

I swear to god... I'm going to make the pain stop one way or another.

Deeper still~

A day like any other... You hate yourself. What else is new? At this point I would be surprised if anyone continued to read this... this... I don't even know what to call it.... A journal on the road to discovery of just how badly you hate yourself? Your writing is a joke.

All you want to write about is pain and self loathing. Aren't there other things to write about? Prettier things? Things you enjoy?... Ah, yes, those are the things that end up letting you down in the end and making you hate yourself... again.

I don't know that it's technically right to say "again" in your particular circumstance. Do you ever really stop hating yourself to begin with? I don't think you do. Deep down in the core of who you are... you hate yourself through and through. We can only remember one time where you were able to say you were happy with yourself. Do you remember why you said that? You felt like you were on top of the world. You were exercising daily... You were going to school. Your family was behind you and supporting 100%. What happened?

Oh... that's right... you fucked it all up.
*taps forehead*
Do you ever think before you do the things you do?

You truly, truly disgust me.

Keep travelling down babe... deeper still. We'll find the end of this rabbit hole some day.

I still hate myself.

So sick and tired of the back and forth. I love you. I hate you. You're beautiful. You're hideous. You're elegant. You're manly. You're sexy. You're fat. You're loved. You're loathed.

*pulls hair*

It's so frustrating to be stuck in my head. How quickly my moods turn. How fast I go from perfectly wonderful to insanely dreadful. I only weigh heavy on the backs of others. I should just leave everyone alone.

I wish I could hide in the light of day like I used to. Back before people started sticking their noses into my business and claiming they could fix me. Maybe then all this shit would've remained buried beneath the surface. But it didn't. They've unsurfaced it. They dug it up. And now I sit and let it eat my flesh. Rot my core. Overtake me. Completely.

There is no hope for people like me. Only glimpses of what life could be like if we weren't so fucked up.

I don't understand these times when my heart aches. It feels like a knife has plunged deep into my chest. My lungs ache for air as their pace quickens at it's shallow, uncontrolled rate. Greedily my fists clench digging my nails into my palms thirsting for a taste of relief. Comfort. Blood. I need it to spill freely and release me from my bondage. I need release.

Vicious circles.

You were my shoulder to lean on for so long. You said you'd always be there. And you're not now. You said it hurt you that I lied. Given the way you reacted, can you blame me for being hesitant? I realize you wanted me to be open and honest with every aspect of my life... But you see what happens when I open up? You see what happens? People leave me. You left me. You betrayed me. After all those promises. After everything I shared with you... Only to be outed and banished. That hurts more than you'll ever understand. The pain my heart feels... I believed you.

Maybe it's my fault for being naive. I tend to believe others easily. Maybe it's all my fault. All the pain, all the betrayals... Maybe I should close myself off.

*sigh*

I need the interactions. I need the approval. I need the touch of others. And because I need I hate myself.

Vicious cycles. Neverending circles of mistrust and hurt and abuse. I need someone to keep me safe from the rest. So I'll wait for someone that will hold true to their words. How long will I wait? Will I destroy myself before you've reached me? Am I already too far gone?