i feel like writing and i can't, so what you're about to see will be word vomit.
Life is scary as fuck. i've been in a relationship for a little over a year and i can't breathe without him and i think it adds more stress on him than i mean it to. He tells me how he's a shit boyfriend and failing all the time but the only way i'd really feel like he could fail me is if he 1. didn't ever own up to his mistakes, 2. cheated on me, 3. was never there for me, 4. didn't love me... and ya know... if he decided he couldn't do it anymore i'd rather he tell me than any of those other things happening... i need honesty above all else.
He gets worried because of how horribly depressed we both get. It ends up being too much for him because he doesn't tell me when things are bad and i guess i'm just oblivious or... i don't know... but i don't seem to notice right away. It's a gradual decline in the quality of time we have together or our conversations until it feels like he's pushing me away and i'm completely alone. i don't know if he normally worries about everything but i know that when he's depressed everything weighs on him. He tends not to talk about problems at all... which is ok i guess if it really doesn't help him but i feel like i'm left shooting down his demons in the dark because how will i know what to reassure him of if i've no idea what's going on in his head?
He's just so strong until the moment of collapse that i don't always see it before it hits and the only thing that scares me about it is that i worry if he did decide to leave it would be like that... quick and full force.
It hurts his feelings when i talk about him leaving... it's not so much that i think he's untrustworthy (because i don't) it's more like... the closer he gets to me, the more of me he sees, the more i'm afraid he isn't going to like it. i hate it. i hate pretty much everything about me. If i'm able to pull through all of this, i will give myself more grace. Right now, i don't feel like i'm deserving of grace.
i'm supposed to be starting school soon and i don't have any money or a job lined up. i was supposed to get financial aid (and i will still get financial aid) but it's going to be late because of some old classes i took. i'm applying everywhere near the college. i hope i get a call back.
i bought myself a dental plan for the year because my teeth are so fucked up but i can only afford to get the teeth pulled that are basically falling apart in my mouth. i'm hoping i can save money somehow and get the root canals done that i need this year. It's about 700 a tooth (which isn't bad because that's including the crown). i'm going to take better care of myself from now on, i just have a lot to clean up after i guess... a lot of neglect.
i found some things out about my family that i wasn't really expecting and didn't really want to know. i feel... betrayed. i want to move away. When i was younger the only thing i cared about was taking care of my father, and now all i care about is getting the fuck away.
My teeth hurt. i'm getting a second tooth pulled today (second since insurance, third tooth overall). i feel inadequate in so many ways. i can't write. This is writing, it's bitching. i can't talk about the way i feel because it's like... focusing on the pain of it all and i am afraid that i would break if i gave in to it all. i feel like the character from the movie gravity... everything around me is falling apart and going to shit and all i can do is fight to stay alive but i'm wondering if it's even worth it because i've already lost so much along the way.
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