Red.

I got lost today. Inside. Deep. Rarely does this part breach the darkness. But today... *smiles*

I always felt like such an awkward girl. I hated my breasts. I hated my broad shoulders. I hated my straight hair with the natural boy part (to me it was a boy part anyway... and I spent most of my childhood fighting my hair to part down the center -.-). I wanted to run with the boys. I wanted to be strong like the boys. I wasn't one of the boys.

That's why they touched me even when I said no. Locked in that closet. In that dark garage. Back in those orchards. In my own bedroom. In that stranger's apartment. In the neighbor's backyard. In his bedroom as he drooled with a knife at my throat.

It's no wonder I didn't want them. I wanted to be invisible for so long. Even still. That's why you don't scream. Say nothing. Close your eyes it was just a dream. Unclench your tiny fists. Unhand the teddy's fur. Remember how you cried after ripping off his bow? So prestine and bright against that clean, white fur. Bright red.

You did what you were told to do. Why don't you feel like a good girl? You listened. You obeyed. You were always such a good girl. What happened?

I got sick of doing what I was told. I lived my entire life for them. Even still, a disappointment. A failure. What kind of a girl am I anyway? Loving these people I shouldn't. Because love has boundaries... right?

*sigh*

My stomach burns. My heart yearns. My head is a mess. My eyes need to rest. I just need to catch my breath and let me be me. I want to be the best me. For you.