A hero...

steal these thoughts in my head
take this life be my death
kill my wishes my will
give me your cup to fill
take from my soul what you need
satisfy my empty greed
i'm done fighting if you please
i'll gladly stay on my knees
i'll fulfill your every desire
if you make me forget all those fires
angel be my devil nigh
give me mercy's blissful sigh
grant my freedom from this cell
play my rhythms you know so well
save me from myself



Conflicted emotions seems to be an on going theme through out my life. One day I hate myself the next I love myself then I go back to the hate. The hate. So much hate. I don't understand how anyone can look at me and see anything but a waste of potential. Or maybe that is what they see? And maybe it is the human condition to want to live your wasted dreams and aspirations out through others who may share similar dreams but seem to be in a rut? Maybe that's why so many people try to pull me from my wasteland.

I'd be willing to try one last time. Thing is I tend to disappoint people. I need someone who's willing to accept the fact that I might hate myself for the rest of my life.

I'm so tired of people telling me to fight. As though I don't already? You may see the word "whore" carved on my arm as a sign that I failed to keep my control of my emotions one day. I see it and smile because I kept the knife from slitting my throat or plunging itself greedily into my chest. I guess I've always been a morbid kind of optimist though.

One day I might change. One day I might be comfortable enough to believe. One day I might feel safe enough to trust. One day I might even stop cutting. I need someone who doesn't afraid of my thoughts. I need someone who can be brave enough with me to wade through the muddy waters of my doubts and fears.

I can't imagine anyone to love me that much.