Unconditional

I spend most of my time alone. I sit and stare out of the window and beyond the iron gate at the cars driving down the busy street. The lull of the traffic is comforting now. It makes me feel less alone. I know people are just beyond the glass. I doubt many of them could relate to such a sad pathetic excuse for a human being. So I guess if I think too hard about it... I still feel alone. Even when I'm surrounded.

I wake sometimes in the middle of the night in tears with heaviness gripping my heart. It's the worst feeling. The feeling of loss. My heart grieves for reasons I don't understand. Maybe it knows something I don't? Such a painful thing... to want to save the world and know that you cannot.

If I could make one person happy... If I could lavish one person in love and let them know I will love them regardless of transgressions... I used to believe that could change a person. I used to believe that's all any relationship needed. Love is, afterall, unconditional... Right?

That's what I was taught... Love is unending, and a promise should last a lifetime. Not everyone feels the same. To think something as petty as a dirty kitchen could make someone fall out of love. I'm close to my edge.

I don't know how much more pain my heart can take. I don't understand how anyone could look at me and call me strong. How is such a blubbering, self loathing fool considered strong?

I used to think I was destined for great things. I used to think I could make a difference in peoples' lives. Now I sit and wait for someone to make a difference in mine. What a cruel joke.

I don't want to play my mistress' games any longer. I've grown tired of her deceit. My heart is slinking back in fear and closing itself off from the world. Maybe it's a good thing. I can't save anyone. I can't even save myself.